Friday is the New Moon. It is in Capricorn, ruled by Saturn. It is time to start serious things then, I see. Therefore, today will be well spent meditating upon the things that I wish to begin, or things that I wish to end so that I can begin new ones. Well, I have a book to finish, so I think I will knuckle in on that. I forgot I was writing a book because I allowed myself to be distracted by a guy I used to like, who was very, very horrible to me that I am in shock to find myself so happy today. It makes me wonder what the hell was wrong with this guy to be such an asshole when most guys are very nice out there.
I am not mad at the assholes. I do think of them from time to time, and shiver, or cringe, wondering what the hell had possessed me to even like such a people, let alone try to make things work with them, especially the last one. I should have NOT have let such toxicity in my life, but I did. But, he did help me meet my new guy. I remember that I was exasperated, saying that men are assholes and just spewing venom due to this one horrid person, made contact to give me his educated guess as to what's wrong with men these days.
Although I was no longer interested in the horrible guy, I was still quite angry at him for all the disrespectful ways in which he had treated me, and I was angry at myself too for allowing such in my life.
My current guy and I are not orthodox, but he is exactly what I dreamed of. I have a list and most of the qualities listed are him. We have been friends since I was a child, before puberty, and we only found each other as mates in 2012. This is another amazing thing. I wondered to myself why I had not seen him as a man before then. I wondered why I had not noticed such an awesome man in my vicinity. Then I remembered why. I was still not grown up enough to see and appreciate men like him. I was still preoccupied and seduced by the abusive, disappointing type. I shake my head at my stupidity. To think that for a good decade I subjected myself to men I can obviously never love because I was looking for people who were not lovable.
|Love Yourself First|
My guy and I have a great sexual energy, and I speak freely to him. I literally have no filter with him, and I still can not disrespect him. He just commands respect, adoration and reverence. A fight between us doesn't get petty. There is no name calling or swearing. There is expression of anger, frustration or whatever the issue might be, without losing that fundamental respect, caring and desire for one another.
They are right that it is darkest before the sunrise. My love life before my current guy was non-existent, and filled with the devil himself. Now, I am just relaxed, happy, not a care in the world. All I have are good things to look forward to. I make such comparisons because we live in a relative world, where goodness is not very easy to experience if you have not experienced badness. I have been to hell and back. I have been sworn at publicly by the man I once adored, and humiliated privately. I have been reduced to very little, and almost lost myself trying to make someone see what I saw. I was so frustrated having "feelings" for someone like that guy, I thought I was being made to obsess over him by an evil spirit.
Now, I am in no such darkness. When I wake up in the morning, I wake up and smile because I know what I am about to experience. I wake up and smile as I think of what my guy last said to me the day before. I wake up and smile in gratitude for having my heart full and filled with light. I wake up and dance around at the things we have planned to do together. I wake up and replay the words he said to me, or the pleasure he made me feel. I am in awe of how good life can be. I never knew this was possible.
And, he treats me like a queen.
|Rings seldom fit my long, skinny fingers.|
I can honestly say that I am looking forward to the future. As a matter of fact, one day he said, "I wouldn't pursue a woman if I didn't want to marry her and have children with her." I was gobsmacked. What a brave guy! He is not a wimp. He is discriminating and he knows what he wants. This is a good person to share my journey with. And, yes... I wouldn't have appreciated just how wonderful he is had I not experienced the rest of the men of the world who are malignant, oozing puss from a smelly tumour.
Therefore, I am not mad at anyone who ever caused me grief. I am even more appreciative of my guy because of the grief.
My personal lesson in relativity.
Thanks for reading. It's 4am and my guy is obviously asleep, therefore if I can't speak to him, or watch a movie (having trouble watching a movie), I will write about him.
Have a Lovely Day
Love, Peace and Power!