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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Heaviness.

Dearest Reader,

Mentally, I can't tell that my friend died. Physically, I think I am feeling it's gravity heavily.

Transiting Venus enters my third house. I hope this gives me more energy and makes me more social. I have become quite the hermit since Saturn entered my first house. I don't leave the house anymore. I only speak to my loved ones. I only have time for those in my heart, otherwise I am sincerely not interested in healthy, superficial banter.

I woke up with some energy today, after sleeping most of the day. I would be in front of the computer, and then find that I had passed out. The cleaning lady has not been in my bedroom for days because I keep on telling her to not bother me. The sound of the vacuum cleaner is too much, and going outside is out of the question because the sun is too bright. I don't know why I am surprised that I am feeling this way. A close friend of mine died. I am sure this is natural, right?

To curb the hermit ways, I decided to have dinner with a friend tomorrow. I thought it might do me well to leave the house and see humans. Another motivator for my social motivation is because although I am meeting a friend, it is also business related. Otherwise, I wouldn't have left the house. *sigh*

I hope I don't feel like this forever. I tried to snap out of it yesterday, and tried to be normal with my interactions with people but I don't have the energy. If it wasn't for my darling, this could have been much worse. At least I have someone who can make me smile. My sleeping patterns are also fucked. So, I am going to sleep as soon as I finish writing this. I am not going to do this business of passing out on my laptop thing.

I need a massage.

Yeah...

My body is sore, especially my back and neck area.

I am not sure how this is affecting me. Death is natural. Why is it making me act like this? I don't get it. I was even surprised to see me cry about it. I never thought I would, and not because I don't care, but because I understand death. But, it would seem as if I am mourning and it seems like I suffered a jarring loss.

I must grieve. I must do it honestly. I must not let it be depression, though. I know when something is wrong with me, and something isn't right with me. I can tell by freaking out about the small, general things that Angel's death has affected me hard. Everything seems more urgent. My career. My love life. My every thing. It's all so urgent now and I feel panicked, as if I might be too late to achieve my goals. I am hyper worried about things that didn't bother me before, because I knew that I was in the process of creating. Now, I am feeling as if I am running out of time.

It's like my mind understands her death as one thing, while the body understands it as another. I am only feeling the results of it in my body. Mentally, I can not tell that my friend died. This paradox is confusing because I find myself not knowing why I am not laughing at jokes.

*sigh* I feel like... I feel heavy.

Anyway, later

The truth is: I just want to be left alone. I just want silence. I just want peace. I want to just sit in bed and stare at the wall. Nothing interests me other than that. I want to be hugged. I can't afford my desires, though. So, I will have my meeting tomorrow, and I will probably come home early to sit on my own again.

This is new to me. I have never had someone I love die.

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Inner Power!

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