Return of the Mad!
This is one of those blogs that people might ask, "Does she not have people to tell her to fall back?" or "Does she not have friends, or people who care around her to tell her not to post such on the internet?" Well, I guess not, because here I am, about to post this because I have tried to talk to all people that I have at my disposal and they have lives to live. The best bet would be to have a shrink on call, but I don't have one of those.
*maybe I need a shrink*
Seriously, I have not felt this frustrated in a long time.
I have to express this venom inside one way or another. I need to purge. I could write a song about it but god, these people aint worth a song. I can go on pointing fingers at people all I want as well, but once a pattern arises, it becomes my problem because it means that I am attracting the same experiences to me. The question is why? Okay, let's start by explaining exactly what I am attracting before I try to figure out why. I need to get to the bottom of this because I have pretty much had an awful time in my personal life recently. I might be going around thinking I am having some allergic reaction to gluten when it could just be heartbreak and depression. ( I feel stress through my tummy)
Alright... Let's go forth.
For the first time in my life, in 2011 I had "relations" with a male who lost interest in me thereafter. I am sure this is a common problem, but it isn't common to me. Look, I don't go around town shagging people all willy nilly, but I can see how this can drive me to that level because I will be trying to see if they stick around or not by having relations and watching them for a reaction. And, once I find that they don't stick around, I would go find another to see if they go too. Then they don't stay and the cycle starts again. This is where I find myself, I think, and I am trying my best to stop my foolishness because each time it happens, I get thoroughly heartbroken and I sob in fetal position, with black mascara running down my face. I can't do this one more time. I just can't! It is too painful.
*Ugh, and the fact that I have seen 3 guys in a span of 12 months has really messed with my head because that's a bit overboard for me. And, I wouldn't have even gone to guy two and three if guy one just liked me as much as I liked him, but as the saying goes, you have to go under a guy to get over another? Is that what they say? Well, I can't! I think I am going celibate again.Yes, I was happily celibate for years, by choice, because I didn't have the energy for men being clingy. Now I am going celibate because they aren't? Huh?*
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was grappling with being undesireable and becoming a whore?? Is that right?
I have been in a shitty space of mind for quite some time because I feel that I have been attracting the wrong men, i.e. men who treat me like a prostitute by shagging me and leaving me. I am not used to this phenomenon. I am a small town girl okay? We date people. No matter how casual it might be, we don't shag and leave. We shag, explore and when we are certain that it is going nowhere, we leave. We don't just throw people away. Heck, shagging someone to me meant being exclusive to that person. I guess I was wrong! I thought a guy asking you out meant that he likes you, but it turns out that he is just offering you sex, and that's where that dinner date, or even that sweet talk is for. FOR SEX! Nothing more!
I am getting palpitations just thinking about how much of a naive little girl I am, when I have been talking such big talk. Yeah, I have a big mouth, but it is to fool others, not myself! So, what has been going on is that I am attracting people who shag me and leave me and it is making me cry. I feel so stupid, I feel so used, I feel unlike my glorious self because of it. I can't believe that I allowed myself to be in this situation. And, actually, I don't know why I find myself in this situation.
I guess, my manner of approach is so bold that men think that all I want is sex? Could that be it, because I am not a sexually shy woman, but I am not a woman who takes sex lightly. I don't know. All I know is that I am sitting here, licking my wounds, wondering where I went wrong. Maybe I am attracting exactly who I need to attract, to show me what a mess I am while I parade as collected and together. But, maybe I am no more a mess than other women. Unfortunately, I have no way of comparing whether I have gone unhealthy mentally, but... crying a lot is a clue enough that something is very wrong.
Gawd, have I been crying! I have been wailing and weeping in all ways. I have been crying while eating an apple. Just imagine how ugly that is, bits of apple dropping out the side of my mouth, tears streaming down my face... Hot mess!! I have been crying while taking the garbage out. SMH. I'd be walking normally, then it dawns on me that, "I've become a heaux...!! What would my mama say?" and then the tears would start streaming down my face as I walk to the bin outside. Another place I have found myself crying is holding the phone in my hand, blocking or deciding if I should speak to people on whatsapp or on twitter or on wherever and thinking, "How did this happen to me, Aaaaagggggaaaaaiiiinnnnn. Waaaaaaahhhh".
Okay, we were trying to discover why I keep attracting people who don't like me too, right? Why do I keep attracting people who are emotionally unavailable, cold-ass motherfuckers who shag you and leave ya, down right slimy ass dicks who don't give a fuck that you're somebody's child, with a heart and who just wants to be treated like a human, not like some dirty skank who is kept secret or thrown away like a dirty old rag?
LOL!! (I am laughing at the wording of the question, not the subject matter)
The answer is: I don't know! I have no fucking idea! All I know is that, I want my mom, I want to be hugged and I want to be treated nicely. Why is this not happening? Am I paying karmically for all the randoms I gave bat? Or, is there a lesson to be learned here. I mean, there is a pattern y'all. It is like the same person in a different body! I feel like I am being haunted by a body snatcher demon, who is using these guys to punish me. Like that Denzel Washington movie with the demon Azezeal, where he used to go into people through touch. Yeah, it is one entity working through these guys and I ask, WHAT AM I NOT GETTING HERE??
What am I meant to see but fail to see?
Smh... Don't you guys worry. I always get to the bottom of my madness. I am just in a stage in my thinking where I would write in my journal instead, not publically. So this is regular madness about an irregular subject matter.
Let me go eat a plum, and break into tears.
Love, Peace and Power.