Dating comes with a bucket load of drama which most of us would like to avoid, while a few enjoy the drama. It would seem as if all of us are spoilt and damaged in some way by a previous relationship or control issues. Others, like me, though, view this damage as a learning experience, because all that has happened in my dating life is that, all the guys I date are predictable only due to how the last guy behaved. Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy? Is the dating world filled with repetitions of the same drama?
There seems to be 4 stages of romantic relationships as seen below:
1. 1. The Friendship Stage
2. 2. The Courting Stage
3. 3. The Sex Stage
4. 4. The End/The Beginning of The End.
These are the 4 stages I experience with men, usually all put together last about 2 months at most. I have said before on this blog that the only thing I am not good at is keeping a man, or being part of a romantic relationship because people change, people become manipulative; people become all sorts of things which I choose not to deal with.
The friendship stage should be the beginning of any relationship, I believe, whether it is romance or business, but I have found that friendship is a pure luxury in this world. The friendship stage is like Bigfoot, most think that they have experienced it but they aren’t sure because it is so illusive and almost an illusion. People don’t want to be friends with their counter-parts. People want arm-candy, money, sex or popularity by association from people. Gone are the days when people dated because they liked each other. It’s all “take-take-take” and not getting anything in return, unless of course, you’re the one doing the taking. It is a miracle if friendship occurs before the courting and the sex. Usually, friendship is forced to occur after people have foolishly committed to each other, when the pair has done everything they can do with each other besides getting to know each other. When they have finally exhausted the sex and courting excitement, they then reluctantly decide to get to know each other, only to find that they are not compatible. They break up, call each other names and find another person to repeat the experience. On rare occasions, a pair, after having done everything is rewarded with the fact that they also genuinely like each other.
The Courting Stage
Not as rare as the friendship stage, the courting stage is expected by women and seldom delivered by men. Men would prefer if you just deliver yourself to them, let them have their way with you and disappear from their vision and into the dark recesses of their minds. Yes, if it was up to men, they would erase you from their memory as soon as they bust a nut. But... We are talking about courting, not sex yet.
Men think courting a lady means buying her food, or watching a movie. Men don’t see that courting is an advantage to them and not the lady because courting a woman gives the woman an opportunity to fool herself into thinking that a man is decent and good enough for her. During the courting stages, a woman is reprogramming her mind to forget about the nature of men, she is trying to alter reality. Yes, she is trying to bend space and time.
When women are courted, as in, convinced by the man that he is worthy, they too are doing some convincing. They are convincing themselves that they can settle for this man who has presented himself before her. During this time, she is ignoring many RED FLAGS telling her the truth about this creature, but because she has been hurt so many times, and because she has been told to hold fast hope, she says to herself, “He might be the exception so let me give him a shot.”
That is the only point of courting. It is not a true reflection of either person, man or woman. The man is not as he presents himself and the woman is not as cool as she seems. In fact, the man is exaggerating a few things because his eyes are on the ball, the ball being SEX, and the woman is doing her best not to be a bitter old hag, so she hides her daddy issues, mama issues, uncle issues, past boyfriend issues, because she is trying to make all seem perfect. Unbeknownst to both men and women, sex will shatter all the illusions which they have been trying to build in the name of romance or whatever delusions they are working with. I say everyone is deluded because every one is an asshole, and if the asshole has not surfaced in the beginning, someone is pretending to be what they aren’t.
The Sex Stage
They have courted, chemistry is off the roof and they embark tackling the elephant in the room, the ever anticipated sexual act which was ordained from the moment they met. The sexual act is nice at most, rarely spectacular and often a disgusting yawnfest of “Why did I even think that I would enjoy having sex with this person” as the anti-climax of sex drop-kicks you swiftly across your rose coloured glasses.
It’s not that the woman didn’t come during sex. Look, women can be delusional but we don’t go as far as expecting orgasms from men. That is one area in life which we would like a man to fulfil, but an area which we have accepted as our own responsibility because our orgasm is based on very fragile circumstances that if not in line, spoils the entire sexual experience. This delicate things are things like, his attentiveness during sex, the motion of the ocean, hygiene, and a bit of whatever it is that turns the woman on, like kinky inclinations or silence or whatever. Each woman is different.
The sex occurs, he orgasms, and depending on the arrangement, some sleep, some leave or some cuddle. Eventually though, sleep occurs. Then, the next day comes. The next day, ladies and gentlemen, is THEE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF SEX!! If you don’t know, now you know. Let me enlighten you why it is so.
On the next day, most women are waiting to see how the man is going to react. Will he call? Will he text instead of calling? Will he tweet you? Will he come around with flowers? Yes, believe it or not, we hope one day someone can settle our frazzled after sex nerves with a romantic gesture as was in the days of courting. We will never admit to such though. So, the whole day, we wait... We are preparing ourselves for the worst while hoping for the best. We busy ourselves during such a day to try and not obsess or call them first.
Then, as expected, the guy does a total 180 on a woman, and is no longer the guy that he was selling during the courtship stage. He starts getting comfortable, he is no longer offering services or fussing over you, and on rare occasions, he even starts calling or courting girls in front of you. Yep, ladies and gents. 3 days after having sex with a guy, he came over to where I lived, with another woman who he was trying to sleep with. So, after the sexual act, a nice guy can turn into the most horrid human being, a person who just doesn’t care and can’t help it.
Then, the lady changes too, don’t get it twisted and think women are innocents. We change and become highly guarded, defensive, hurt and passive aggressive due to how the guy behaved after he had sex with us. If he did the right thing, the most we would be is suspicious, thinking that this man is acting too good to be true, but after sex behaviour is usually quite instinctive, primal and doesn’t give a fuck about civility and cordiality. This is where things go to the scales of justice show themselves with Goddess Venus holding them asking you, “so now you have shown your asshole sides, kids, but what are you going to do with it?” Sex makes or breaks the union, in other words.
At this stage, one has seen what one needs to see. One is not under any illusions, or at least one shouldn’t be. One is clear as to how one shall proceed. The question now is, will one proceed dramatically, aggressively or cordially. Of course, civility is always recommended, especially when one is dealing with a nice person who’s intentions are good. This is also a stage when one has to see the bigger picture and asks oneself whether one will spend their energy with a “Beginning to the End” scenario, which is long, loose ended and quite arduous, or one chooses to spend as little energy as possible on what sex has revealed and just to a clean, defined “The End” and it is sayonara, adios, peace!
To conclude: Even those who end up in long relationships, or lifelong relationships, go through the ending stage. Unions change for better or for worse, and usually for the worst. The magic seldom remains and the person you knew during courtship is often never to be seen again. In this stage, we settle to be with the person who was revealed by “the day after the sex”, that is, if we decide to stay with the person. Most people who take the long term route to the end have their reasons and needs, but mostly, it is usually a gamble to see whether the glory days can return to the union again. They seldom do. Most married people are unhappy, cheating, resentful, crying and regretful. The sad part being that you knew you were taking a chance on this person based on an illusion. You knew! So, nobody is to blame.
Yours Cynically, but hopefully, realistically,
Love, Peace and Power!