You Don't Know Me!

Days of Innocence

Dear Reader,

I don’t tolerate pity. I don’t pity anyone and I don’t want to be pitied. I think to pity another is to think less of that person, as if you have declared that they have no power or control to turn things around for the better. Therefore, similarly, I do not except pity from others because I am a fucking strong woman. In fact, I am hardcore that no one can tell me anything about life because I have lived it all, so much so that I am ready to die! Who of you can say that? Can you say that you are ready to die because you done?

I have lived it, and I have survived it and I shall carry on beating the odds. I shall go upward and onward until infinity. As long as the Universe exists, so shall my infinite power exist. If life is a war, then I will keep on fighting these life battles until the end of time, but I can not lose! I will not lose! You see, the thing is: I have chosen my purpose. I have chosen WHO I AM, and I have chosen what I will do about it.

I am not just a woman, nor am I merely a human being. I am a Goddess, and I am made in the image of my God. I am more precious than all the riches of the entire world. I am a fucking bad-ass and I know what I am capable of. So, to pity me is to suggest that I am none of these things. To pity me is to suggest that God is pitiful because he made me in his image.

Just Me being me and my huge lips

I know my destiny and it is not easy. My entire life has been in preparation for this destiny. I was born to be of service to the world, from those in my immediate surroundings to those in the far reaches of the world. I was born for those who have gone through sexual and physical abuse. I was born for the poverty stricken of the world. I was born for the drug addicts and alcoholics. I was born for the sick and diseased. I was born for the fatherless bastards who feel abandoned and for the depressed who believe that their faces are incapable of smiling again. I was born for the suicidal, lonely and the lost. I was born for each and everyone who finds themselves praying, hoping, meditating and getting nowhere. I was born for those who are searching but who can not find; those who have no one to speak to, no shoulder to cry on and for those who are empty inside.

I was born for these people because these people and I have all these things in common. All these things are my life experiences. Yes, that is surely a lot to have lived through and I am only in my 20s, but that’s what it is.

The poor believe that there isn’t enough for them; the sexually abused and molested believe that they will never heal from their hurts and that they will never trust again. The addicts and the alcohol abusers believe that they can never let go of their dependencies and still live a life of joy and fulfillment. The sick, weary and the suicidal can not see the light and I was born to tell them that they ARE the light. Basically, I was born to say that if I can overcome it, and get to the other side happier than I have ever been, so can you!

Ahem... too much lip gloss?

I believe that I was born to show those who are willing to see that, it doesn’t matter where you were born, where you were raised, or who hurt you, YOU CAN MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. It doesn’t matter who betrayed you, abandoned you or didn’t treat you sacredly, you can still be happy and strong. I am here to show you that you can lose your innocence but still remain pure of heart. My life is testimony of that. I am not going to give up following my dreams until I die because I have a story that needs to be heard by more than just a handful of people. My story is inspirational, if I may say so myself. I get inspired by my own victories when the days are dark.

It seems very exhibitionist of me to share such sensitive information with the world, and some might say that I am looking for attention. I don’t believe such stories should be hidden. We have more in common on earth than we think, but we walk around feeling as if we carry the burden alone. You are not alone and you will never be alone. If anything, I am here and as long as I live, you will have someone who knows what you’re going through. I am not proud of my experiences, but I am not ashamed either. Maybe that is my problem. I don’t define myself by the things I have experienced. I define myself by my current actions.

Look, my father was never in my life. He was an important man, but I was a bastard child who was discarded. Sure, my blood has some blue in it, but did that change my life in any way? No. I was raised by a single mother instead who tried her best to feed and clothe me. So, I was gang-raped and degraded, but did that make me act like someone who had no class and morals? No, it didn’t. So, I was practically hooked on drugs and drank a bit too much, does that make me a drug addict and an alcoholic right now? No, I have been sober for years now. And so on, and so on…

I was speaking about greatness when I got inspired to write this blog. I was saying that to be great and iconic, one has to be extreme in some way. One has to have a story to tell. One has to testify to having overcome odds that others would have crumbled under. I was saying that people judge Amy Winehouse and Charlie Sheen because they are on drugs – and I was stressing the fact that it takes a lot of pressure to be GREAT. To be great you have to be give it your all, and giving it your all requires more energy than most humans can muster.  To be great you have to make sacrifices, and you have to be lonely and slightly tortured. To be great you have to drive yourself to the limits of human capability and you have to push the envelope a bit further.

I am not talking about basic success here. Everyone can be successful. Everyone can have 2 luxury cars, a luxurious 4 bedroom house and expensive taste. That’s easy! I was successful without even trying, but one day I decided that I am going to go for greatness and strive to change people’s lives, and that is where I had to choose which extreme to go. If you dabble, and if you are lukewarm, you will achieve mediocre results. It is those who go hard that become great. Now, I am might not be great in your eyes, but I feel great. I am living a life that will leave a legacy, a life that will touch lives and a life that will inspire those who have been through what I have been through.

goofy me

If I can inspire one person to be fearless and strong, my job is done. I know that through my music I shall achieve the greatness I desire. Through music I shall touch people’s lives and inspire them to be even more than what I could have ever dreamt of for myself. Through music I will touch hearts, and heal hearts, because that’s what my music did for me. When I was going through my hard times, it was my family and my guitar that kept me sane. When you are going through your trials, know that people will disappear on you. It is okay. It happens. This is why I want to share my life with you. I want all to know that we all go through the same things. And, someday, if life allows, I shall go into detail about my life story and I hope on that day you realize that we can not judge one another. We are all in pain. We are all alone and we are all trying to make things work. Nothing is ever too big for us to handle, because if I could overcome it, so will you.

The one time I had a weave.

Also, to be successful, you don’t have to sleep your way to the top. That is another thing I am going to prove or die trying to prove. I’m sick and tired of women being objectified and abused. I believe that my work can speak for itself. I don’t have to have sex with people I don’t want to have sex with in order to succeed. If I didn’t have a rape history, I might have tried this route, but my past has made sex slightly more sacred than recreational. So, to the little girls out there, I want to show them that hard work CAN pay off and that if you want to shag your way to the top, let it be through choice, not because there was no other way. Yes, no one in the music/entertainment industry can say that they have slept with me and this is why! Yes, you will hurt people’s pride and even be labeled as an asshole through being sabotaged because of your convictions and values, but just stick with it. If you are talented, as I believe I am, something WILL happen for you. You don’t have to be desperate. You have to be determined to succeed. The entertainment business is harder for women, but that’s because we are strong, so just be resilient and keep on going.

I hope you get the message. The point is that… I am not on this music mission for selfish reasons alone. Yes, I desire to get recognition for my efforts, but I am also trying to prove a point that IF I CAN DO IT- with the challenges that I have had - SO CAN YOU. And, I know that 1 in 4 girls have been through what I have been through so we need to stick together and retain our Goddess status.