I Can't Enjoy Anything But What I Want!

Dear Reader,

Home

I'm at home, as usual. I decided to chill. Well... I guess, I didn't quite "decide", because I didn't have any plan I wanted to execute, but since I am here, it would seem as though everything worked out for the best.

I have just looked at my twitter updates, everyone is out (or some are in the same position as I, but they won't tweet so as not to seem like LWPs (Losers Without Plans)) and everyone is having a good time doing something "fun" and I can't for the life of me get myself to have fun the way they do. I'm boring, or something. I would rather be at home having sex, playing my guitar or reading a good book than to be at a party or at the club? Am I weird? I sound like a psycho nymphomaniac, but I am not. I am just sharing my preferences i.e. sex with one person and company of only one person. Not more than that. *Booooooo! Boring! No threesomes!* Today I can't take more than one person's company.

What I would like to be doing is to be spending time with an interesting person and listening to his/her stories. Or, I would rather be doing something I have never done before like skinny dipping at a public pool (Ew! On second thought...). Or, I would rather be in a recording studio, lacing some tracks and brainstorming on creative ideas.Yes, that sounds diamond!

This is what I wanna do tonight!

I love to be in an environment that's homely (like where I am now) and to just get luxurious by wearing lovely, silk material; to be bathed in wonderful scents of oils, powders and perfumes. Then, I would have candles on, and wonderful music playing in the background, maybe my own music, MAYBE... the sound of my guitar. (Ok, I am doing that as soon as I finish writing this blog) Oh Lord! I am a loser, aren't I? I am a geek, social outcast with no life who likes things that feel, smell, taste, sound and look good. Perfect! 

Alright. I have dealt with myself, and I know that I am not the run in the mill, gal. Today, I thought of meeting up with people, but the thought of putting on make-up was so repulsive that it was the decision maker which had me stay home, as usual. Yes, my temporary distaste for make-up was greater than the love of seeing said persons. So, just like that, I decided I'll stay home. I decided to start a detox program where I drink lots of green tea and ingest only things in liquid form. (I hope that's safe.) Yes, this is what I thought was more fun than going out and seeing humans. I spent some time with my mother and sister, had a few laughs and that was that!

I don't wanna be this guy!

I guess, what I am trying to explore here is whether I am taking this whole loner thing too far. I don't want to have some sort of social disorder or anything, but I fear I might be too late. I fear that I have become eccentric. *SIGH* This poses a challenge because eccentric people make others feel uncomfortable, and I don't want to make people uneasy. I would hate to be the "freak". The only consolation is that Howard Hughes was weirder than I am (by only a small margin, mind you.) and he became a historical figure, therefore, maybe this is for the best in the long run. When they write about me, they will say, "She was a social outcast who was so obsessed with her art that she wanted to do nothing but it. Everything was gray and lifeless to her, and the only time she would have color in her life was when she was playing and recording her music. She was also partial to stimulating her senses with beauty. These were her joys in life. And sex."

 Hmmm... What does this remind me of?

Anyways, speaking of sex, I am thinking of getting myself a toy boy, just to practice some moves I have created. Any takers? *LOL* I'm being silly. I can't get a toy boy because... No reason, I suppose. I just don't want one. I'm too intense for a toy boy. People who can handle toy boys must be laid back, fickle and detached. I am the opposite of that. I am intense, personal and attentive. Some might call that possessiveness or stalker tendencies, but give me a chance to separate myself from those possessive people.

Possessive people are attached to their subject of interest. I don't get attached to people or anything for that matter. I can not be attached to anything. Something might give me pleasure for a while, for as long as it allows me to EXCHANGE energy with it, but the pleasure it gives me will inevitably wane, in case of humans, because humans don't know how to maintain an exchange in energy. Therefore I can't get attached to people because they can not be symbiotic. I get pleasure from total energy exchange. Most humans get pleasure from giving without getting back, or from getting without giving. Once I find a human who is like me, who finds pleasure in total EXCHANGE, i.e. simultaneous give and take, then I might get attached to a human. So far, it has not occurred.

I might be a bit passionate because I see so many opportunities for growth that other humans take for granted. But, that's passion, not possessiveness. I am persistent and patient in trying to take advantage of these growth opportunities, but there comes a time when I can't be bothered because humans are energy vampires. They act "aloof", "aggressive", "interrogative", "like sad cases" to sap energy. This is when I lose interest in them because their level of operating is primitive. There! I said it! Almost all humans I encounter or who I am guided to, react in this manner to feel good about themselves. They are not doing consciously, but if they knew how textbook they were, they would stop. Anyway, to reach out to a primitive being is dangerous because they can take you down with them, when all I wanted to do was to EXCHANGE love (energy) to for both parties to grow. 

Heart Chakra *Star of David* Google this sheeet!

This means that I do not gel with the current stage of most humans, a stage where they need to be chased or need to chase in order to find pleasure in relations. I am not in a level of my development where I get to feel good through possessing or being possessed.  I require for things to occur gracefully, like a dance, without chases or possession. Being chased or to chase both bore and drain me. Things should happen without fear. To chase or to be chase works on a premise of fear and being feared, oppressed and oppressing, hunting and being hunted. I no longer vibrate at this level too much. Yes, I do get those isolated moments, but when it does occur, I feel drained or discomfort. I no longer wish to vibrate at this level of energy, i.e. the YELLOW or ORANGE RAY (2nd and 3rd chakra). I am more green ray, heart chakra than ever before these days, and I like it, so I won't conform to lose such lovely goodness!

I watch these people act the fool, and I shake my head as they TRY to drag me into their painbody, or ego.. and to allow myself to be dragged into their dramas is to lower my vibrations. which ain't happening. Sadly, this is the cause for the guru to retreat into isolation after some time because there comes a point when the guru can not coexist with primitive beings. I am no guru. Far from it! But, I am developed to a certain level where I can understand this issue from an experiential vantage point. So, although I would love to interact with humans in droves, they are a little dangerous for my energy levels. Humans are so starved of the light and love of The Creator that they prey on one another like savage cannibals, including me.

Light! Love!

I get my juice from The Source, hence I don't get attached easily to things and people- through meditations, prayer and visualizations. Maybe if we all did these exercises, there would be less fear and more energy EXCHANGE, but until that day comes when humans are operating more from their green ray, I fear I might have to be a bit of loner for longer. The pettiness, the pretenses and the games they play to express their fears drain me. Hence, I prefer one on one interactions because humans are less afraid that way. When in a crowd occurs, they start being competitive and fearful of "losing". They don't see that we can not lose! *SIGH*. Humans make me sad most times. To observe them is painful.To reach out giving gifts to relieve the pain, and to be turned away doesn't hurt me because it is what I am, but for them, it is an opportunity lost. Fortunately, as I have said before, the Universe is abundant, and if they didn't take my gifts, more gifts will be presented to them until they receive. Humans are stupid. That's the truth. They do the things that take them further away from their deepest desires. They pray and cry for love all day and all night. When it comes to them, sometimes in my guise, they reject it. So, what the fuck do you want human? You asked, I came, and now you push me away? I would not be in your periphery were it not your desires and my desires calling us toward each other. My desire is to EXCHANGE energy. Yours too, so why are you fighting it? I know my purpose in this current stage of my life, and it is to EXCHANGE energy (LOVE), so ask yourself this question. Why did you manifest me in your life if you didn't want a chance to dance with me?

Anyway, that's all folks Again, I write a blog that is void of a point! *shrug* I do whatever I want so you will get this blog, like it or not!

Have a Lovely Evening. I am going to get luxurious now. Maybe put in a booty call, we'll see. :)

I love you all.

V