Forgive me, but I am finally Mad!
Greetings, dear Reader
My life is as inconsistent as life itself. My mental state, emotional state and even my physical state are never something I can anticipate lately. I literally don’t know where I will be, what I will be doing and when I will be doing “it”. I feel like a feather in a tumultuous wind, and I don’t know where I will rest, or if I will ever rest. I must be a wicked little soul because they say that there is no rest for the wicked, innit? I must be doing something that doesn’t correspond to my desires because the security I crave is nowhere in sight right now, and I am just at the mercy of life.
They say that the only constant thing about life is its inconsistency, therefore one might say that I am very much in a natural state of being even though it feels uncomfortable, but in the world we live in, what is natural is not what is normal, and hence I feel beside myself right now, even if this new development is a good one. I’m not myself.
All that I thought I knew about the world and about myself is no more. It is as if I am rebelling against everything that once kept me as I was known to myself and to others, and what seems to be left is a state of unknowing. Does any of this make any sense? I mean… my life experiences are making it pretty difficult to know anything right now. All I have today, or at this moment is faith. I have nothing else but faith. It is unnerving to be this blinded to life as I know it and it makes me feel incredibly insecure.
I have gained a new perspective in life that not only allows me to know how changeable life is, but to actually experience this unpredictable nature of life. Would you be able to imagine it if I told you that I don’t even know what I will do or say next? Can you imagine yourself being that non-calculative and so entrenched in the present that yesterday or today literally do not exist?
I have heard of very wise teachers say that this is something to strive for, but since it came upon me recently, I am finding it uncomfortable rather than pleasurable. I must admit that it is exhilarating and exciting to be this way, but I hate to admit the fact that I miss being in control of life, and myself. I never knew how much of a control freak I am until a few weeks ago. I am only realizing how much of a control freak I “was” because the lack of control is driving me insane in a sane way. It would seem that I am merely a tool for something stronger than my mind, and I think my soul has taken control of me.
I have come to do things not because it is good for me or bad for me, but because it brings me pleasure. Now, I don’t know about you, but this sounds awfully “wrong” and erratic. My life is in total anarchy at the moment. Yes. I do what I desire, when I desire to. I don’t do what I need to do, nor am I doing things for the “future”. I have been so fearless that I am now afraid of being fearless, thus making me afraid again. Do I make sense? Maybe fear is the wrong word. Maybe the right word is unsettled. I feel unsettled, disturbed and a bit anxious but not afraid or unhappy. It is as if I have had coffee and I am on edge.
Maybe I am becoming insane. Maybe this is how one starts going crazy. I am not trying to go with the rules of the world, but fortunately so far, I haven’t broken any rules of the world, meaning that I have not taken part in any criminal activities – but that is simply because I have not desired to do anything which happens to be a crime. What if tomorrow I decide I feel like I want to break into someone’s house and pee on their rug? Would I do it? I ask because so far, I have not stopped myself from doing anything I want to do. I mean, I have spoken to whomever I want to speak to, whenever I want to speak to them, and about whatever I want to speak about. I have done only the things I desire, and fortunately, I don’t have a desire to hurt people, except in cases of tough love but yeah… I have no desire to do something I don’t desire to do. This is freaking me out, and I don’t know when I started being freaked out because at first I was quite cool with it. In fact, this is what I have been working toward all my life right? Total freedom? Yesterday I said to myself that I feel like my house has been swept from under my feet and I have landed in Oz, and I need to find the wizard to set everything straight and send me home now. Thank you very much!
I am being myself 100%, and I am not acting “wilder” than I am. I am not looking for cheap thrills either! I am me. I am keeping true to myself. I keep on asking myself when I will stop getting away with all of this? I mean, “Can I really do whatever I desire and not get in trouble for it?” This is super strange. Maybe I am in trouble and I don’t know about it. Honestly, it is like I have died and woken up in an alternate Universe where the world is my oyster, and now I am freaking out. Shit! What the fuck is going on? Am I still alive? Maybe I am in a coma and I am in a weird dream that’s been going on since I last went to hospital. Yeah, that would make perfect sense, actually, but I fear that it is not true. I fear that this is my real life and I have become what I wanted to be, i.e. a person who does what they want to do when they want to. The thing is, I thought it would be more fun. Maybe these are early days and it will get better. Let’s hope!
So far, I have acted with a pure heart, even though I might not have acted in a normal way. So far, I have acted out of a place of desire and pleasure, even though I might not have acted in a normal way. So far, I have acted with love but not normally. I have not seen anyone I didn’t want to see for weeks now. I have not spoken to anyone I didn’t want to speak to. I have not said a word I didn’t want to say either. As a matter of fact, I have only said words I wanted to say. The words have not been “nice” or “appropriate” or “good” but they have been true and I had desired to say them. My actions also haven’t been good, or touchy feely, I am sure, but I have done what I wanted – no obligation, no fear, no guilt.
I suppose, that is good, but I feel like I am in no man’s land because I have become highly impulsive and a little unnerving, I imagine, especially for those who do not know me. I am nowhere and NOW HERE! (Fuckin’ hell! I have known these words “nowhere but NOW HERE” for a long time but I think I am experiencing them for the first time.) I do things and I don’t regret doing them. Instead I laugh and smile about them. I’m not being duplicitous AT ALL because I am doing what I desire to do, so there is no need to hide because there is nothing to hide. Then, during those moments of fear, I ask myself what I have done, and I realize that I have done exactly what I wanted to do, but I didn’t think about doing it. I just did it!
To conclude, I don’t know what I will do in the next few seconds and I am not basing my actions on what I did in the last few seconds. Everything I do is brand new to me. I do what I am doing NOW based on what I desire now. So, I am not thinking too much about what I should do, but I am merely thinking about what I am doing NOW. When I think of something to do or say NOW, I do it, and say it NOW. So, being so present in the NOW, I feel a little lost because it literally feels like I am floating in nothingness, as if time has stood still, or as if I am at the mercy of whatever it is that is guiding my desires, and my mind is simply being used to computed things like whether I have the means to do what I desire to do, and to calculate how to better maximize my resources in order to do what I want. I am rooted in the present, but I feel like I don’t exist because of this. I feel insecure because it is like I have no life. It is like I am not here.
Bloody hell! This makes no sense, right? I seem to find trouble articulating this feeling. Okay, it is official… I have lost my mind or… I am going to die soon because this is something else, altogether. I have never experienced this “I am nowhere” feeling for this long. Even posting this blog is too preconceived because I am now thinking that I might have to put a picture to it as I usually do, but then something inside of me has just said that there is nothing I have to do, EVER! So, I don’t even know if I will post a picture with this blog or not. WTF?
Ugh! I need a support group for people who have such thoughts and episodes because I feel alone in this right now. I feel far removed from people right now. I look around and people worry about being controlled and I am worried because I am feeling no control. I can’t complain to people about this! What am I going to say? “I’m so uncomfortable with life because I can do whatever I want to do within the limits of my resources and natural laws!” That’s ridiculous. The world is complaining about discomforts from being unable to do what they want to do. Ugh!
Veronnica Wolpendz CHOOSES to love you once again right NOW.
I am going to sit now and listen to my body because I don’t even feel hungry without listening to my body to see if it needs to eat or sleep. I can’t just eat and sleep these days without listen to my body and choosing to eat or sleep. And, I often feel light-headed. Hmmm… my body’s voice is softer. Who needs drugs when I've got what I have?!? I am with George Lucas on this! 2012 we are going kaput!
Other than that, I am super happy for no reason whatsoever. I get slumps when I am PMSing but that’s to be expected, just in case you thought I was always happy. No, I am a woman after all. If I was always happy, every day in and out, I would be a young man. :) Sexist joke! ;P