Read This If You Are Drawn To Reading It.

Dearest Reader,

If you are reading this, it means one thing: You are ready for a change because you do not like how some things are working out for you right now. It means that you need reminding about the basics. You need to remember that "love is truth is freedom is life is eternal", and that if one of these five things do not exist in your life, none of them exist in your life because they are one thing. Therefore, align your mind, body and spirit to achieve what you desire. Practice gratitude to attract more of the things for which you are grateful, and stop creating fear and disruptions in your life and other people's lives!

Do you remember now how you have lost the plot lately and how you are concentrating on things that do not serve your joy, or how you get sucked into things that don't lead you to your joy? Good. Now you can stop reading because the rest is just to give you an update on myself, and this is about YOU. If, on the other hand, you care about what I am getting up to, read on.

I have not written in a while, mainly because I have been thinking, sorting out the cacophony in my head, and compartmentalising my thoughts because I was viewing everything I have ever known through a new and somewhat frightening perspective. I am not sure whether I will write regularly again, but since I am home alone, and have time to express my thoughts, I took the opportunity to share my musings.

A lot has occurred in my life since I last wrote. I got married, moved permanently (or indefinitely to be realistic) to Switzerland, and my life has changed so much that I have trouble remembering who I was before now. Fortunately, I have this blog to read back on my previous thought patterns which are now as foreign to me as the thoughts of another human being. Above the changes, many things have remained the same, and this is why the last few months have been odd for me because the methods I used to cope in the past are now no longer viable if I plan to maintain the goodness that I have garnered thus far.

Being married means that I have someone to talk to daily, someone to talk to on a deep and meaningful level; it means that I don't have to use my writing or my music as a means of finding solace, simply because I have someone to comfort me through my difficulties. This is unfortunate on a worldly level, where writing and art are a lofty practice, but spiritually, this is a most fortunate development because it means that I have learnt to trust another human being with my most intimate and sacred spaces of my being. It means that, I no longer really have to speak into the quietness of the internet because I speak to my best friend instead.

As you can see, this is a major change in lifestyle and it forced me into silence on this platform, but the truth is that being silent is far from the real picture because unlike any time of my life, during the last few months, I have been very vocal and expressive, and I am quite grateful for that because I have learnt that I do enjoy speaking as much as I enjoy listening. So, my disappearance has not been a bad thing at all. Instead, I have been most alive.

Adapting to a new aspect of self takes a bit of energy and effort, and I simply didn't have the time to do the things I used to do because I was enjoying the novelty of this new me. I have been exploring other ways of expressing myself, to be quite fair, if I am to define the last few months, doing all the things that I have always wished to do instead of writing about doing it, experiencing the life I have always wished I had instead of longing for it.

I am still in the process of exploring this new facet of my personality, within the boundaries of who I have always been, of course. I still think deeply about the state of my mind and the state of human minds, along with the state of the earth, and who I am relative to everything else, but I am just doing it with different tools currently, and it is working for me.

The challenge currently is having issues I always had behind the new backdrop of my new existence. This is confusing a bit because it makes me realise that I no longer have the need or use for certain things, and so I am trying to phase out these old restrictions that I had put on myself, unlearning old habits that once had a very useful purpose, that are now just causing extra and redundant baggage.

One of these things, that no longer serve me, are my sleeping patterns, my insomnia. I no longer have the need to stay up all night because I am no longer stressing about life or experiencing anxiety, but my body has been conditioned otherwise, so I am training my body to sleep at night again, as I did when I was a child. Another issue from my previous life is that of my troublesome ovaries and anaemia that is severely limiting my potential right now. I might have had time and derived pleasure from sitting around in bed tending to pain and feeling sorry for myself, but I now find this a difficult exercise in which to indulge.

In the past, I had time to be low in energy. I really did. Although very uncomfortable, it gave me something to do to be unwell, as strange as that may sound. After weeks and months of contemplation about the state of my body, I came to a sad realisation that physical pain and feeling sick was useful to me once. It gave me a purpose of sorts, it filled my days and kept me company and it created a sick, dark and twisted yet nice routine because it was something familiar which couldn't be taken away from me because it lived in my body so it couldn't leave me. Abandonment issues. It became my home so no matter where I moved, or whoever came and left my life, pain was always with me, being my refuge.

Oh, yes. You would be surprised how far the mind will go to protecting us from feeling alone, or at the extremes it will go to make sure that we are not left to feel vulnerable. The odd thing is that, depending on one's childhood experiences, these means of comfort can be quite destructive, but serve a purpose, they do. Any crap we experience serves a purpose until it doesn't, and we would never be any wiser if we didn't take time out to think what the purpose of these things are. Through deep contemplation, one can fix these destructive and self-sabotaging ways, of course, but if you are or were as fucked up as I am or was, you will realise that we experience a whole lot of unnecessary bullshit which was initially a means to survive as a kid, which just sticks with us into our adulthood and for the unlucky among us, until death.

Well, I am not very unlucky, so this is why I am here. I am remodelling my life, as I have been doing since 2006. Yes, It has been 10 years of having a blog, being active on the internet in this way, and of changing my circumstance into a life I desire, and to be quite honest, I am doing well, but I am just not done yet fixing my life. I know that I may never be perfect, not until the entire world is perfect, but I can strive for perfection, because it is a willingness to change that actually causes change. My body is now aching for me to change it, and I shall. The pain from the past no longer has a place to live in me, and it is having a hissy fit, panicking about where it shall go and causing a right scene, crying out for me to neutralise it.

I have heard its call. Pain is not to be ignored but it has no place in my new life. I just need to get rid of it now, and I will. That is what I am busy with. I am getting rid of the remnants of my old crutches and it takes a lot of work but I have never been afraid of hard work. Maybe it will be a while until I write again, but do know that I am away for a good reason, shifting paradigms and breaking new ground by going into new dimensions of existence.

What you need to know is that, I have never laughed as much as I have these last few months. I have never felt so much love as I am feeling right now. My power is stronger, despite it all, and my vision has never been clearer. My tolerance for negativity is lower and getting lower, and the gratitude I experience is higher. My ability to manifest my desires is stronger, with time between thought and manifestation getting shorter and shorter. I am better equipped than ever to fix myself and my surroundings. It just all requires a lot of thinking and concentration, not speaking or writing. You see... Fixing myself is not just about me. I believe that if we all fixed ourselves, we would live in a better and more loving world. It is not just for me that I do what I do, it is also a duty I feel because the world needs more people who are above certain things. If I fix myself, it means the world has one less asshole. That's how I see it.

Great things are at hand, not just for me but for all of us. Never has the human been so powerful and able to change things, and so I just thought I give you a heads up so you can go to work on yourself too.

It is a good time to know what you desire because you shall manifest what you think of most. If you think of things that are useless to you, you will not grow very quickly. Get your mind disciplined into thinking only of things that you desire as soon as possible. I desired love, peace and power, and now I am manifesting it at a very fast rate and this love, peace and power is pushing away anything that isn't in line with it, hence my hiatus.

So, Good Luck with your hiatus, when you choose to have one.



L said…
Beautifully and thoughtfully written. Please keep writing!
Oyama Mgojo said…
so glad my 1st intro to your blog was this. Also thank you for making me feel alot less worried about why I dont feel the need to write poetry anymore. Poetry was my way of speaking out, now I am happier and have a bestfriend in real life, to speak to. Always wondered why I could not write as good as I used to.

Completely drawn to your ways and methods of self awareness, keep on inspiring my assholeness to work on my myself lol

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