To My Loved Ones

Above is a song called "Hold On" by Pharoahe Monch ft Erykah Badu. This song helped me hold on. You can play it while reading the blog if you like. Enjoy xox

Dearest Reader,

I am still in denial that I actually exist in such a dark, twisted and evil world. I am not in harmony with this world. I try to make it bearable by squeezing some joy out of a dry rock of pain and suffering, and although possible, it takes quite a bit of discipline and energy to do so.

I don’t understand why I am living in a world like this. I don’t understand why I am in the same realm as people who are killing for sport, killing for money, killing for food, killing for power, killing, killing, killing, killing… I don’t understand why I am here, and I don’t know if I am supposed to help change this place, or whether it is even possible to change this place. The Earth is perverted, and it has never been clearer than these last few years since the bombing of the Twin Towers. For others, the horrors begun before that, but for me, this was the first time when I could no longer pretend that this world is as it should be.

This realm is becoming darker and darker, and with each moment, I feel more out of place than before. Due to the darkness that is increasing, I am even more intent on doing the opposite and bring some light and joy into this place. I do that through my music, and yeah, as was highlighted to me recently, I am not very talented, I lack that spark, and I am flat which I assume means that I am boring and have nothing different to offer the world, but what I lack in flash, I make up in heart and love. I really love making music and it has little to do with a music career, even though I do desire a music career. I realize that music is a conduit through which I can bring some light into this dark realm and I take that very seriously because I feel that it is my purpose to sooth frazzled minds. As I did on the day I started my music career, I still make music for people to feel soothed, inspired and emotional. I desire that through my music, buried noxious energies can be released so that lighter moods can be experienced through being unburdened of pains.

Why not just slot in a picture of myself too? :)

As I write this, there is a famine in Somalia, civil wars all over Africa, corruption in every corner of the earth and of course, there are natural disasters making humans unsettled and scared. As I write this, 10 women have been raped, abused by their partners and thousands of people have lost a loved one through murder, war, hunger disease or through estrangement caused by pain. The world is in a tumultuous state of mind and being, states of mind that I have been through. So, my songs are all about me saying, “Me too, but don’t lose hope, things get better.” I am in the middle of recording my EP and playing these songs is taking me back to the times I wrote them. I wrote them to comfort myself and as a pick me up, I wrote them to express my anger, longing, hopes and desires, and I can only hope that these songs can help you do the same.

It has taken me a long time to get to this place where I can say that I am recording this material and that I am not letting anything stop me. I am tired of feeling helpless because I was hoping for help. I am tired of waiting for my break. I have grown to realize that I create my own break.

I am a lucky person, but I don’t get handouts. I am not lucky in that sense. I am lucky in a sense that I have people who DO believe that I have something special to offer, people who are spending their time and money on me without getting in return so that I can complete this project. I am lucky because there is a group of people who have foresight to actually see this uncut diamond and see its potential. I am lucky to have people who are willing to fight with me against the resistance I receive, people who tell me each day that I am special and that a lot of people don’t know what to do with me, but they are willing to try to do something with my product.

I am lucky to be surrounded by visionaries, not followers, because I am no follower either. These people are my angels, my rocks and my inspiration. They will not jump on the bandwagon when suddenly people catch on to what I have to offer to the world. No, these people will say, we were there when she was starting out, and we believe in her. I am lucky in that sense that I am surrounded by a kick ass soul group who are there for me while I am “nothing”. Thank you Lungelo and your team, Ella and your family, Ntokozo and your team and family, Darryl, Heather, Carrie, Tasneem, Asha, Safiyah, Michelle, Pamela, Lara, Steve Brown, Darius, Amanda, Karel, and Lexx for being there when I was dealing with my insecurities, fears, and loss.

You guys didn’t run off when it got tough. You didn’t run off when I lost my mind and when I doubted myself. Instead, you stuck around, held my hand until I am here where I can stand up straight. Instead you showed me who I am when I couldn’t see who I was. You stayed up late with me and listened to my whining and complexes. You gave me support that actually helped me grow. You helped me evolve and you empowered me to be the person I have always wanted to be, i.e. a strong woman with love in her heart to do the impossible.

Yes, what I am most grateful for is that you saw my potential and you stuck around regardless of how impossible I am and how impossible it was. I love you a lot. I love you more than you could ever know. I am thankful to you for the hope that you have given me. I know that you do not do the things you do for any repayment, but I am working so hard now so that I can repay you by investing in you as much as you invested in me. You are my inner circle, people who have seen me weak and strong, down and up. Not the good times people that only want to hang out when I am beautiful, capable and “fun”, but people who stay when I am ugly, lost and a nobody.

Awesome Crop Circle. (random)

I suppose, for the darkness that is this realm, there are these beacons of light that make this place bearable. For the last few days, I have been having this phrase in my head, “There are two types of people, those who create smiles and those who create frowns. Which one are you?” and I don’t know why this phrase keeps playing like a broken record in my head, but it feels like it is a time for many of us to choose which we are. I choose to create smiles. I know that when people actually listen to my music, they get moved from deep somewhere inside of them. This is worth fighting for. This is worth getting it recorded and shared with the world.

I have a Messiah Complex about my music, and yes, I do believe that it is more than just music. I believe that I am channeling these sounds from somewhere high up there, to bring it down here, to soothe, heal, relax and inspire thought in my brethren. Maybe these are my delusions; but maybe this is really what my music is meant to be. I don’t know, to be honest, but I CHOOSE for it to be an instrument to make people feel because many of us are numb, closed off and distant on Earth.  We are disconnected.

Thank you for reading. Good Bye. Bless you for all that you have blessed me with.*the grammar is a shocker*

P.S. My inner circle is still growing so if I left you out, it is probably because you’re on the fence, LMAO! You need to commit to me, dammit! There are NO grey areas with me, remember? I am an all or nothing girl, I hate shallow behavior and I can’t stand people who can’t see my soul because I always see theirs. So, until you see me…

P. P. S. I LOVE Pharoahe Monch like a maniac! Yes, random but true!

Love, Peace and Power!