Inana

Dearest Reader, It's been a long time since I bothered to write, and it was mainly because I was still trying to figure things out. That's until I got comfortable with not having things figured out, then I calmed down and became myself again. I don't know why I bother trying to define things when words are now no longer sufficient, when DOING and BEING is more important. I've been catching up on years of reading by finishing The Belgariad , a David Eddings series of five books, that I started upon two months ago. I have also been writing music through Logic Pro X , which is new for me since I traditionally write music with my guitar, the old fashioned way. I'm on the sixth track with the goal of writing at least ten songs. This has been loads of fun and frustrating as I fumbled through the application, and swearing at the computer when songs disappeared. It was my fault, of course, for not saving immediately after opening a project, but this has been a lesson ...

Dearest Reader (if there are any of you left) My body is aching from the ambitious Sport's Thai massage I had earlier today. The pain is a low humming that can be easily unfelt but not easy to ignore, so I have taken some painkillers to ease the discomfort. So, I am sitting in bed, contemplating the bitter-sweetness of my bravery, of having the excruciating massage, but also of how I have unapolegetically lived my life thus far. The voices of ghosts of laughs and cries past are comforting and bruising me simultaniously. One thing is for sure, I have been expanding my energy and thoughts on things that do not matter to me for the last year or two, and today I finally said, "Enough is enough!" and that's when I deactivated my Twitter account to just get some peace in order to regroup, gather my strength, and get ready for the next stint of my life. For the last two years, I was living in the end of an old era, and sleeping upon the beginning of a new one. Now, it i...

Dearest Reader, As a person who has always been grateful for not watching my waist, although I was never thin, I was never overweight either. Then, this year happened and I am not only uncomfortably overweight but I am also lactating, and my breasts have grown to an E Cup. Last week, after many months of being chronically fatigued, having migraines and nausea all the time, I protested to the doctors until they heard me, and I did blood tests, an MRI, some scan that requires one to attach nodes on the sculp, and some psychological tests too , and the results came back. I have an under active thyroid, called hypothyroidism. But, like an infomercial, that's not all. I also found that I have high levels of prolactin, this being the cause of my breasts producing milk right now even though I am not pregnant. Lastly, my iron storage cells are at a severely low level, meaning that I am anemic. All of this on top of my previously discussed gynealocology problems. I have had it. Now...

Brrrrr... Dearest Reader, I am freezing my ass off as I write this, partly because I am not wearing socks and I am not wearing a warm top, other than a tiny blanket covering me. I am not used to wearing too many items of clothing at once, being an African, so Europe is not treating me as well as it should. Trust me, Europe is only pretty in pictures or in small doses. Living here is something else. Yes, I have moved to Switzerland, and I am engaged. Yes, a lot has changed. I remember typing my blog, thinking bleakly about just about everything, from being sleep deprived, sex deprived, and such. Those days I was searching for life to be how I wish it to be, taking actions to make things happen so that I may be happy. Now, I am relatively happy but I lack sunshine and ocean. Oh well, we win some, we lose some. Walking to the psychologist. My artistic and music career is non-existent here in Switzerland. I don't know where these people who I see carrying guitar cases p...

Dearest Reader, I am now engaged, soon to be married and I no longer live in South Africa. I am now living in Switzerland with my fiancé. On paper, life is good, better than it's ever been. The question that gnaws at me constantly though, is why I feel like I am dying inside? I have not picked up my guitar in almost 5 months. In these 5 months, I have kicked my addiction to benzos, but at the same time, I have been sleeping at night like normal people. Could this novel sense of normalcy be killing my soul? Is my brain adjusting to having no narcotics, thus taking the spark out of my life? Being up in the early morning today, like old times, has made me feel alive again. I have not been up at this time by choice, for a very long time. I had missed this. I wonder if I have lost this. If it wasn't for the Grammy's, I'd be sleeping... So, so, much has changed. I have gained weight, which is the side effect, although temporary, of quitting drugs because I am eating mo...

Dearest Reader, As soon as I hit the South African airport "O. R. Tambo" from Zurich, I called a cab immediately and headed to a rehab centre which I choose not to name. My bags were already packed so it was an easy move there, logistically, but I didn't expect what I found when I got there. Yeah, I am clean from my drugs of choice, but Fucking Hell, I am still experiencing withdrawal symptoms from the drugs and my brain is finding it hard to function as I am restless and overwhelmed by everything. The worst is over, though, so I am grateful. I warned you guys that I would get hooked on the prescription drugs that I was taking and it didn't take long. My drugs of choice were Optiates  and Benzodiazepines , and although it sounds less glamourous than cocaine, or heroin, prescription drugs are VERY dangerous.  My drugs of choice and alcohol are the only drugs that when coming off them can: kill you,  cause seizures and  the only drugs that give you excruciati...

...please realise that I am not bound by the rules and laws of man; of fear, shame, guilt, obligation, or whatever else you bow down to. It is only real laws that I can not break, those that I obey by design, those that govern my totality.  So, when you're sitting there, judging, musing, wondering, trying to fathom the machinations of my world, remember, I am a different type of slave.  I'm the type of slave that knows that she is a slave.  Who is my Master? My mind, my desires, and my capabilities are my masters. The operative word is: "MY!"  Inana governs Inana