Inana

Dearest Reader, The worst thing that I can ever experience is the realization of having hurt myself due to having a Pollyanna attitude. I am listening to Sia’s “Breathe Me”, as I write this, feeling as vulnerable as she is feeling in the song. This vulnerability and hurt is not caused by anyone but me. I am fully accountable for how I feel. I am not under any illusions that anyone is to blame for my scars, nicks and bruises. I did it. No one is to blame. And, what saddens me about this is: Why would I allow myself to hurt? Why would I choose to make my life anything but always happy? Is this a subconscious self-hatred manifesting? Do I like pain? Do I enjoy having tears come down my face instead of laughter and joy? I can’t tell that I am distressed anymore, that’s how distressed I am.  The only thing that is allowing me to know that all is not well are the symptoms of my anxiety. When I get to this point of stress, I make a conscious effort to disengage because nothin...

Dearest Reader, I am listening to the song "Wonderful Life" by Hurts, as I write this blog update. I am not hurting, nor do I think it is a wonderful life. I just like the song. In case you're wondering why I don't think it's a wonderful life, it is merely because I think it can be better. Life is average. It is not as wonderful as I know it can be. I have felt more wonderful things while sleeping and dreaming of world's that shouldn't exist, compared to this world, Earth, which apparently is the real world. So, no... Life is not that great. It is just adequate. I am not complaining though. Regardless of how average life is, I am always smiling and laughing, making the best of a dire situation. I am doing what I can to either make my life wonderful or to exit life and go to a wonderful place. I am not saying I am trying to kill myself. No, I am just saying that I am doing whatever I deem necessary as far as balancing my karma so that if I do exit E...

Dearest Reader, Before going any further, I would like to say that I am in a thankful mood. I am also quite self-reflective, watching my every thought and correcting errors in my thinking as soon as they occur because recently, I have not been as vigilant as I should be when it comes to controlling my mind and my reactions. I pride myself to be a person who is in control of their mind, therefore when thoughts that I do not desire filter through into my conscious mind, I immediately take action. I have an obsessive personality, and it is easy for me to get myself hooked on actions, thoughts and behaviors that do not serve me.When I say speak of things that do not serve me, I speak of things that do not benefit my goals and desires, things that take me away from my plans. I am also good at mimicking people around me. Due to this I have to be aware of my thoughts and make sure that they are mine. Fortunately, on top of this obsessive personality, I was also gifted wit...